I've started this great new exercise/diet regimen.  It's working great.  It's called "Get-A-Mouse-In-Your-House."

Step 1 (the warmup):  Sit on the floor.  Fold some laundry and watch TV.  Notice movement out of the corner of your eye.  Imagine it's a mouse.  Hamper that thought vigorously with denial.  Continue with laundry.  A few minutes later, see the undeniably existant mouse peeking at you from under the entertainment center.

Step 2 (aerobic exercise): Clap your hands sharply to frighten the mouse out of your sight.  At the same time, jump up from the floor and vault over the coffee table to stand on the couch.  Call your manly brother-in-law to catch mouse.  Continue to stand on the couch until he gets there.

Step 3 (core strength):  Balance yourself on the arm of the couch, to serve as a "lookout" while bro-in-law hunts mousie.  Allow your stomach heaves to keep you centered.  Wobbly knees lend extra challenge.  Jump from couch to armchair as mouse tries to get away. 

Step 4 (agility):  Come off of couch to fetch cheese and mousetraps.  While setting them up, notice mousie trying to sneak under oven two inches from your foot.  Jump as high in the air as you can, then run back to the couch as quickly as possible. 

Step 5 (cool down):  Allow brother-in-law to leave after an hour.  When he's gone, stay on your kitchen chair.  Listen quietly for little pitter-pattery sounds.  Contemplate the sight of the mouse staring at you while you fold laundry, of it scampering under your bed, shooting out from under the oven, and disappearing under your couch.  Notice how each corner of your home is a potential mousie nest.  Use your insanely good imagination skills to picture little mousie making a warm bed in the crook of your neck while you sleep.  Involuntary shudders are helpful for back strength and circulation.

Step 6 (diet): Wake up in the morning to find a dead mouse in the mouse trap.  Allow husband, who is late for school, to take it outside to the trash.  Notice that late-to-school husband didn't have time to clean excess peanutbutter and  bloody mouse brain goo off the floor.  That should kill any thought of breakfast.  (Remember those involuntary shudders!!  We want strong backs.)  Pass on lunch as well, except maybe a chip or two.  Keep remembering those beady little eyes, the stringy tail, the way its feet stuck up all stiff under the mousetrap.  Have a sensible dinner and get a little mental exercise as well by pushing those thoughts away. 

There!  Can't you feel the burn??  For extra challenge, repeat the following night.  For extra, EXTRA challenge, start while you are blogging.  Squat on your chair while you type.  This is wonderful for the calf muscles! 

Ahhhh.  I feel better already.  Not.

(*editor's note:  My husband read this and would like everyone to know that he was gone studying for a huge test, and that's why I called my brother-in-law.  Otherwise, he would have done it himself.  He's very manly also.)